Something's Missing

There are so many times in my life that I've constantly wondered what was missing from my life. I always thought that maybe it was the fact I never lived alone. Never had my own things and always shared my life with someone. Whether it was my ex husband or my family. Now that I'm in my own place I realize that isn't it.

Two years ago I met an amazing person who just knew how to make me smile, make me laugh and just had away to make me feel complete. He was perfect...well as perfect as they come. But because of where I was in life I wasn't ready for him and blew it.

But for some reason we've always stayed in contact. How is it that someone that you have barely spent anytime with could possibly be your soul-mate? Sounds crazy? I know..

They say you know when you know. If that's the case then he's my world. I haven't seen him in over nine months. We've lied to one another, remained friends, confided in one another and at the end of the day we both care deeply for each-other.

But what do you do when that person lives a plane flight away? How do you begin? How do you turn something small into something fabulous? He wants me there, I want him here...where is the happy compromise?

I thought that I was finally over him, finally moving on and trying to find something else....then I heard his voice and it all comes back like rushing rapids. My friends think I'm crazy, leave him, let him go. My family says don't hold my breath, he'll never come through. And my head tells me that they are all correct. Except.....my heart says he's the one.

I've compromised so much in my life for everyone else. And I'm so tired of doing that. For once, I want someone to compromise for me. Prove I'm important enough, I'm worth it. But the real question is...will that ever happen?

Twisted

I'm in such a different place than everyone else in my world. Its hard to explain, there aren't words, pictures or anything to really discribe the feelings and thoughts I've been having. Part of the problem is I spend way too much time at home. Don't get me wrong, I love my personal time, personal space and everything that goes along with living alone. But it does get rather lonely. And its pointless to invite people over because it just never seems to work out or becomes more of a hassle then it needs to be.

Its funny, because I've teetered on the thoughts of moving and starting over somewhere else. I know all my friends think I'm nuts and that if I haven't done it by now I won't. Or my reasons are insaine...whatever it is the idea in their mind is that I'm insaine. :) Well I am slightly, but that's another blog in itself. For those of you that might know me, I'm not just talking Colorado. I'm considering anywhere. I seek adventure, fun, excitement, and others that are in the same spot in life as myself. Don't get me wrong I adore my friends and family. But if I actually picked up and moved.....I would still talk to all the people in my life, as much as I talk to them now. Because as it goes, I only see like 2 of my friends on a regualr basis. No one's fault, but that is how it is. Again, we're all in different places in life.

I know that I have way to much time on my hands to think, ponder and wonder where my life is going, where it's been and what will be next. Almost like trying to win a chess game. But I know that I have to do something, and do it soon, because all the thoughts in my head are just collecting, swimming and are stuck in my brain. And I have no one to talk to about it. Then again, I have many people in my life, but I know that deep down they think to themselfs "oh no, here we go again. Same story different players." That's why I'm going to turn my thoughts, feelings, and fears into this blog.

For anyone out there that might feel the same, message me. Lets Chat. :)

Random thoughts...

I posted earlier one of my favorite sayings, A reason, season a lifetime. This explains all the people that have come and gone in my life in the last 7 years. No matter how much I wish these people had signs on them saying upfront what they were to be in my life, they didn't. As if they did I would never have learned the lessons I have that have made me who I am today.

Life has been an interesting journey. In away like the switch backs in Colorado. In other words, you go so far in life and just when you think your on to something you end up having to take a sharp turn and continue back the way you came.

I always thought that my this point in my life I'd be so much further than what I am. I figured I'd own my own house, have a husband and possibly a child or two. Instead, I ended up divorced, living with my parents and having a four legged fur baby instead.

I'm very happy. But something is definitely missing. Ever have that feeling that you know EXACTLY what it is that's missing. But "they" haven't gotten the memo yet? Ever wish you had a crystal ball that you could ask one simple question too once a month? Heck, even just once a year?

I've come to a cross road in my life. And leaves the song "should I stay or should I go" stuck in my head.

My cross road is feeling that I have my lifetime right in front of me.

Have you ever met that one person that you feel through your entire being is your lifetime? Your soul-mate? The one that completes you?

Out with the old, in with the New

Happy New Year...

When I signed onto my computer tonight I found the following horoscope on my gmail page:

You can't please all of the people all of the time. Nor can you take on several things at once and hope to do them right. So sort through your priorities and concentrate on what now matters most. Deep down, you know what - and who - comes first, so slow down and take it step by step. If you take the time to structure your ideas and your routine, you will be ready to take action later in the week.

It really hit home with me. This is exactly what I need to do. I have to stop and smell the roses, take time for myself and find what really matters. Listen to myself and realize that what I already know might be the first step towards everything I've wanted.

There are so many times in my life I search for acceptance, guidance and the typical "if you were me, what would you do?" But in the reality of it all I don't really fit where I am currently in life. And no one can really give you that kind of advice. For so many reasons. The main one being they aren't you. And they haven't walked in your shoes.

My New Year's was pretty uneventful. I began feeling sorry for myself and where I am in life. And although I know that I'm right where God wants me to be. I still felt like I was the biggest loser in the world. But I was with family. The people that love me more than anything in this world. And that's truly what mattered.

So while my friends were with their spouses, children, family and friends. I realized that although I can't relate to them at this time in life...I love these people and cherish them so much everyday. And realized that you should NEVER make someone a priority, that doesn't make you one as well....and I got to thinking......

I know that because of the way I was raised and because of my beliefs I shouldn't believe or read into the horoscopes that are placed online. As they are as random as fortune cookies and don't normally mean a hill of beans to anyone. But I can't help but wonder how true this statement alone can/could be...... Deep down, you know what - and who - comes first, so slow down and take it step by step.

And with that I have decided to delete a handful of people from my life. Because I'm not a priority to them. I'm just there. I realized that I have to take control of my life, and the things that I want out of it. And let go of those that hold me back for this or that reason. Its not because they are horrible people, because they aren't. I love them each for there individuality, what they've given to me in life and just realize that they were there for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And there is a reason they are in my past.

So with that...I will close and say today is the start of yet another year...chapter of our lives. Make it count. Tell those close you love them. Keep those people near and dear to your heart. Because you never know when they could feel less than adequate and walk away from you.

Seriously.......

I have to wonder what the world has become in terms of dating. At least for me none of it makes any sense. I feel like I live in a fruit loop box.

I've been on many dating sites. You name it, I more in likely have a profile on it. The responses, the ads everything I read, the emails and messages I receive make me shake my head and say seriously!! Where are the sweet, gentleman types. The ones that actually have something to say, depth to there being and honesty. The guys that are ready to "MAYBE" settle down. Or at least have an adult relationship without holding past pretenses of PAST relationships against possible new ones?

I have a reason for writing this and it has got me a bit up in arms. Yet again I found a decent guy and start chatting with him. He tells me "I have a couple questions before I continue one with this conversation, they are sorta kinda deal breakers so I have to ask them right away." I say alright. Thinking that sure, everyone has a few questions they like to have answers to.

The first two were rather normal questions..Do I like to cuddle, do I have allergies? And then the 3rd is what set me off. Do you have multiple personalities. (Granted this could have been a joke. But he was ever so serious) He then stated that he's a bit picky when it comes to possibly making a long term relationship. Then he explains why he asked about multiple personalities and it went like this...

"I dated a girl for 3 months and she failed to inform me that she had multiple personalities.. and I found out at the worst time. We were having sex and she was on top of me and said "oh, you must be Emily's boyfriend."

To this I simply say TO MUCH INFORMATION!! Why is it he felt this was an important question? And how is it that guys (the ones I've been meeting) find it necessary to compare and assume your just like every other girl they've ever been involved with?

I'm not ranting so much as sharing yet another funny story in terms of my life. And this isn't the beginning and I'm pretty sure this isn't going to be the end of these....so stay tuned. I'm sure there will be more to come. :)

The Reason....

Life couldn't be better. In the last 3 years I've managed to do a few things I've never done...travel, meet new and interesting people. I have a wonderful job, fantastic friends and a loving family. The only thing that's missing is someone to share my life with.

I've been searching for Mr. Right for a while now..well only a year and a half. Not all that long. I've enlisted myself in the wonderful world of Internet dating. Although it hasn't been that wonderful, it has given me many, and I mean many interesting stories.

It seems that my life is rather entertaining to those close to me. And even those that aren't. So I've decided to write about my endeavors and share them. I figure I can't be the only person in the world with stories like these. And if anything...maybe someone that feels they are the ONLY one that this could possibly happen to will find comfort knowing that we are in the same boat together.

Epic Fail....

I'll begin with telling you about my most recent first date. He will be referred to as "Question man" for his saftey and my own.

Question man was found when I placed a personal ad on craigslist. He responded. I was really interested as FINALLY there was a guy that has something to say. Most replies I get are generic, But not Question man..he sounded normal, nice, polite and seemed to have his life together. We talked on the phone for a long period of time and decided on a time to go out and see if we clicked....

He was early for our date. I had no idea where we were going or what we were doing. The only information I had was told was it was an outdoor activity and I was to wear tennis shoes.

I get into his car and quickly realize that the photo he sent me had to be from about 7 years ago (alright a slight exaggeration) but none the less he looked nothing like his photo. I went with it, as his personality was awesome on the phone...so why not?

As he starts to pull away he makes the following comment "this is different, I've never dated a divorced women before." My response was "just because I was married doesn't mean I'm any different than any single woman out there. He states, "oh I know, but its definitely going to be different." (i realize now that this was when I should have just got out of the car.)


He took me to Minnehaha falls. I've never been there so this was awesome. We started walking and we get on a path and he jokingly says to me, “so is this where I should kill you.” I looked at him and said “try it. I don’t make it home I have friends that will find you, and I do mean that. They will find you and they’ll get away with whatever they do to you.” I was totally joking with him. But he looked scared...


So we continue on our walk it was very pretty and very muddy. At one point he says “oh didn’t realize it was so muddy. I wonder why its muddy.” I said well with all the tree covering, the rain we’ve had and the dirt there hasn’t been a chance to dry. Then he’s all “Ug, my shoes are all muddy…maybe if I put them in the water a bit.” *he inserts shoes into water* then says nope, guess I'll have to deal with it...I hate mud.

--WARNING!!....DON’T TAKE A GIRL TO THE WOODS IF YOUR NOT AN OUTDOOR GUY AND THINK YOUR GOING TO IMPRESS HER SOMEHOW!!!

We finally reach the falls, it was beautiful. I took time to admire it. The colors, the sound of the rushing water over the falls, nature....But he wouldn't SHUT UP! Question...question...question...as if I was on some dang trivia show.

We didn’t spend much time there as I would have liked, as he wanted to go swing. And as if this date wasn't already downhill it continued to spiral out of control. He brings up children. Asks when I want them. I say 5-7 years. He's all...interesting. I want kids but all they do is make it so that you can't buy the things you want for yourself. Then we continued to talk about this and that...I realized this would never work. He on the other hand kept saying, I wonder if we can meet in the middle. Compromise somewhere, Do you think its do able?

Then we’re in the car again and he’s all you have very interesting ideas, you must have them because of your divorce. I was all NO my ideas aren’t because of my divorce. (Because apparently up until my divorce I was some kind of brain dead)Then he says well you seem to be a great girl despite your ideas. I was slightly insulted and said really? Well I’m glad they don’t make me a horrible person. LOL

He then took me to the lock and damn. I've never been here either. I noticed the bathrooms so I went in and did my thing. When I came out, Question man was standing RIGHT there and literally said “anything new and exciting happen while you were in there? HAHAHA” I was all NO just the normal bathroom things. He says well that's good to hear.

I'm slightly terrified of heights, and any of you that have been to the lock and damn know there is a walk way that can be spooky to someone like me. This man thinks its funny to pretend to push me. By this point I was irritated and just wanting to go home.

We started towards the car and he asked if I was hungry and I told him no. Then I said can you just bring me back to my car? Then he realized that it just wasn't going well and began to repeat I learned something new about you, your afraid of heights...I'm so sorry I brought you here I should have known better.

He dropped me off and I was going to be nice and give him a hug because he was rather nice despite all the oddness and awkwardness he obviously has but he looks at me, puts his hands up and says something to the extent of “I’ll let you know, I have a lot of things to consider.”