Relationship...The definition or lack there of.

I've been doing tons of thinking, evaluating and trying to understand any and all relationships in my life that I have had, have or will ever have in the future. So with that I decided to see what the dictionary had to say about "relationships."

www.dictionary.com defines "Relationship" as the following:

–noun

1. a connection, association, or involvement.

2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students

To me this definition, as true as it is, is very cookie cutter. Duh factor...Simple to say the least. Needless to say it does nothing for me. As always when I look up a word I like to cross check it for a laugh on www.urbandictionary.com If you've never gone to this site, please do. It'll bring an instant smile to your face. Their definition of "relationships" is much more fitting, blunt and straight to the point. There are many, but here are a few:

• the thing that guys can fake as well as girls can fake orgasms.

• The reason for 70% of suicides in America.


• A legal form of prostitution where a female collects money, cars, and other valuable things in exchange for sex.


• any type of connection that brings two individuals together for a period of time


• something other than a friends with benefits


• more than a mutual understanding!!


• The most un-sturdy and uncertain vessel to navigate through any ocean of the heart. While the warm winds of prevailing love and romance blow favorably through its sails, this un-seaworthy vessel steers ahead with pride and promise. But upon hitting rough and stormy weather, too often the relationship flounders and sinks.


• The Ability To Put Up With Someone Else's Bullshit, Usually Of The Opposite Sex, For a Long Period Of Time.


• A bond between two people; One person works to create/maintain love and fulfillment while the other person waits for something better to come along.

Now I'm well aware that these definitions come from everyday people like you and I. For whatever their thoughts and opinions are on the matter. I'm not against relationships or anyone in them. I'd love to have one, but the more men I meet the more I love my dog. (Thank you Carrie Underwood for that song)
Don't get me wrong, this isn't a rant of a bitter, divorced, single, childless woman. But rather a woman that is open to the world around her, the experiences brought to her, and what I've learned from them.
Maybe I've just met ALL the wrong men.
Maybe I'm searching for something I've already found.
Maybe Men are scared little children of the monsters in the closet. (thus, they see woman as the scary monsters)
Maybe I just know what I want, what I'm looking for.
Or simply, Maybe Men aren't ready for a woman like me. When I say this, its not because I have a huge ego, that I'm arrogant or full of myself. Its simply, I'm a Catch! I say that with great confidence. Who in their right mind wouldn't want a woman whose strong, confident, loving, intelligent, funny, witty, caring, perfect mother type, treats her man like a King, and most importantly understands a man's world?

There really should be an app for the I-phone, droid or any other smart-phone, where all you have to do is type in the name of the guy your interested in, their birthday, career and interests and in return it'll do a search, find the instructions and allow you to follow them. That or a "men for dummies book."

In conclusion, a relationship is anything you define it as. If its friends with benefits, dating, boyfriend, girlfriend, friends, lovers, family, spouses...the list goes on and on and ON. There is no right, there is no wrong. Its simply which definition defines you and what you want. And currently my definition of a relationship is one that is mentioned, found on www.urbandictionary.com
The most un-sturdy and uncertain vessel to navigate through any ocean of the heart. While the warm winds of prevailing love and romance blow favorably through its sails, this un-seaworthy vessel steers ahead with pride and promise. But upon hitting rough and stormy weather, too often the relationship flounders and sinks.

Never been more sure of anything in my life..

The keeper of my heart asked me the other day if I was sure. Because of the context of the conversation I responded to that by saying sure of you? Or sure of your pup? He said both.

And this is where it all goes wrong..I said "Never been more sure of anything in my life."

I'm normally really good at finding the right time, the right way, the right words to say how I feel. And with all the conversations, situations and heart to hearts I've had with him I thought for sure that me stating this in this exact way would allow him to see that I'm serious about him.

I have a friend I've known for years and she has always told me "you love to be in love." As true as that is. I know what I'm looking for, what I want and what it feels like. I know I've said time and time again about different people that I've never felt this way. Well I'm not lying. Because each person is different. However, something about him holds me, keeps me and I can't let that go.

The saying goes if you love someone set them free. If they come back they are yours, if they don't they weren't yours to begin with. The funny thing in that whole phrase is "if they come back they are yours." I used to believe in this with my entire being but recently it seems the real saying should say "if they come back its just a game."

I know what I'm dealing with, who I'm dealing with. And what was said that caused me to be where I'm at. Living 10 hours away by car, 2 hours away by plane doesn't help the situation. I want to do is go to him, hug him, look him in the eyes and say "this is home." I want to tell him that everyone else thinks I'm nuts, they say this will and can never work. But only you and I know what we have, what we feel. When the reality of it all is "I'm a lover, your a runner and we go round and round."

I stated before that I have placed my fate in the hands of the Lord and I trust him with my entire soul. This is how it remains and will remain until the end of time...

Dear Lord, I have one question,my dreams, signs all seem to point to him....and if he's where I'm suppose to be, where you want me to be, then WHY hasn't he gotten the same memo? And staid consistent to his words? I'm sorry, I guess that's two questions. I have every bit of faith and trust in you. Please continue to guide me.

Something's Missing

There are so many times in my life that I've constantly wondered what was missing from my life. I always thought that maybe it was the fact I never lived alone. Never had my own things and always shared my life with someone. Whether it was my ex husband or my family. Now that I'm in my own place I realize that isn't it.

Two years ago I met an amazing person who just knew how to make me smile, make me laugh and just had away to make me feel complete. He was perfect...well as perfect as they come. But because of where I was in life I wasn't ready for him and blew it.

But for some reason we've always stayed in contact. How is it that someone that you have barely spent anytime with could possibly be your soul-mate? Sounds crazy? I know..

They say you know when you know. If that's the case then he's my world. I haven't seen him in over nine months. We've lied to one another, remained friends, confided in one another and at the end of the day we both care deeply for each-other.

But what do you do when that person lives a plane flight away? How do you begin? How do you turn something small into something fabulous? He wants me there, I want him here...where is the happy compromise?

I thought that I was finally over him, finally moving on and trying to find something else....then I heard his voice and it all comes back like rushing rapids. My friends think I'm crazy, leave him, let him go. My family says don't hold my breath, he'll never come through. And my head tells me that they are all correct. Except.....my heart says he's the one.

I've compromised so much in my life for everyone else. And I'm so tired of doing that. For once, I want someone to compromise for me. Prove I'm important enough, I'm worth it. But the real question is...will that ever happen?

Twisted

I'm in such a different place than everyone else in my world. Its hard to explain, there aren't words, pictures or anything to really discribe the feelings and thoughts I've been having. Part of the problem is I spend way too much time at home. Don't get me wrong, I love my personal time, personal space and everything that goes along with living alone. But it does get rather lonely. And its pointless to invite people over because it just never seems to work out or becomes more of a hassle then it needs to be.

Its funny, because I've teetered on the thoughts of moving and starting over somewhere else. I know all my friends think I'm nuts and that if I haven't done it by now I won't. Or my reasons are insaine...whatever it is the idea in their mind is that I'm insaine. :) Well I am slightly, but that's another blog in itself. For those of you that might know me, I'm not just talking Colorado. I'm considering anywhere. I seek adventure, fun, excitement, and others that are in the same spot in life as myself. Don't get me wrong I adore my friends and family. But if I actually picked up and moved.....I would still talk to all the people in my life, as much as I talk to them now. Because as it goes, I only see like 2 of my friends on a regualr basis. No one's fault, but that is how it is. Again, we're all in different places in life.

I know that I have way to much time on my hands to think, ponder and wonder where my life is going, where it's been and what will be next. Almost like trying to win a chess game. But I know that I have to do something, and do it soon, because all the thoughts in my head are just collecting, swimming and are stuck in my brain. And I have no one to talk to about it. Then again, I have many people in my life, but I know that deep down they think to themselfs "oh no, here we go again. Same story different players." That's why I'm going to turn my thoughts, feelings, and fears into this blog.

For anyone out there that might feel the same, message me. Lets Chat. :)

Random thoughts...

I posted earlier one of my favorite sayings, A reason, season a lifetime. This explains all the people that have come and gone in my life in the last 7 years. No matter how much I wish these people had signs on them saying upfront what they were to be in my life, they didn't. As if they did I would never have learned the lessons I have that have made me who I am today.

Life has been an interesting journey. In away like the switch backs in Colorado. In other words, you go so far in life and just when you think your on to something you end up having to take a sharp turn and continue back the way you came.

I always thought that my this point in my life I'd be so much further than what I am. I figured I'd own my own house, have a husband and possibly a child or two. Instead, I ended up divorced, living with my parents and having a four legged fur baby instead.

I'm very happy. But something is definitely missing. Ever have that feeling that you know EXACTLY what it is that's missing. But "they" haven't gotten the memo yet? Ever wish you had a crystal ball that you could ask one simple question too once a month? Heck, even just once a year?

I've come to a cross road in my life. And leaves the song "should I stay or should I go" stuck in my head.

My cross road is feeling that I have my lifetime right in front of me.

Have you ever met that one person that you feel through your entire being is your lifetime? Your soul-mate? The one that completes you?

Out with the old, in with the New

Happy New Year...

When I signed onto my computer tonight I found the following horoscope on my gmail page:

You can't please all of the people all of the time. Nor can you take on several things at once and hope to do them right. So sort through your priorities and concentrate on what now matters most. Deep down, you know what - and who - comes first, so slow down and take it step by step. If you take the time to structure your ideas and your routine, you will be ready to take action later in the week.

It really hit home with me. This is exactly what I need to do. I have to stop and smell the roses, take time for myself and find what really matters. Listen to myself and realize that what I already know might be the first step towards everything I've wanted.

There are so many times in my life I search for acceptance, guidance and the typical "if you were me, what would you do?" But in the reality of it all I don't really fit where I am currently in life. And no one can really give you that kind of advice. For so many reasons. The main one being they aren't you. And they haven't walked in your shoes.

My New Year's was pretty uneventful. I began feeling sorry for myself and where I am in life. And although I know that I'm right where God wants me to be. I still felt like I was the biggest loser in the world. But I was with family. The people that love me more than anything in this world. And that's truly what mattered.

So while my friends were with their spouses, children, family and friends. I realized that although I can't relate to them at this time in life...I love these people and cherish them so much everyday. And realized that you should NEVER make someone a priority, that doesn't make you one as well....and I got to thinking......

I know that because of the way I was raised and because of my beliefs I shouldn't believe or read into the horoscopes that are placed online. As they are as random as fortune cookies and don't normally mean a hill of beans to anyone. But I can't help but wonder how true this statement alone can/could be...... Deep down, you know what - and who - comes first, so slow down and take it step by step.

And with that I have decided to delete a handful of people from my life. Because I'm not a priority to them. I'm just there. I realized that I have to take control of my life, and the things that I want out of it. And let go of those that hold me back for this or that reason. Its not because they are horrible people, because they aren't. I love them each for there individuality, what they've given to me in life and just realize that they were there for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And there is a reason they are in my past.

So with that...I will close and say today is the start of yet another year...chapter of our lives. Make it count. Tell those close you love them. Keep those people near and dear to your heart. Because you never know when they could feel less than adequate and walk away from you.

Seriously.......

I have to wonder what the world has become in terms of dating. At least for me none of it makes any sense. I feel like I live in a fruit loop box.

I've been on many dating sites. You name it, I more in likely have a profile on it. The responses, the ads everything I read, the emails and messages I receive make me shake my head and say seriously!! Where are the sweet, gentleman types. The ones that actually have something to say, depth to there being and honesty. The guys that are ready to "MAYBE" settle down. Or at least have an adult relationship without holding past pretenses of PAST relationships against possible new ones?

I have a reason for writing this and it has got me a bit up in arms. Yet again I found a decent guy and start chatting with him. He tells me "I have a couple questions before I continue one with this conversation, they are sorta kinda deal breakers so I have to ask them right away." I say alright. Thinking that sure, everyone has a few questions they like to have answers to.

The first two were rather normal questions..Do I like to cuddle, do I have allergies? And then the 3rd is what set me off. Do you have multiple personalities. (Granted this could have been a joke. But he was ever so serious) He then stated that he's a bit picky when it comes to possibly making a long term relationship. Then he explains why he asked about multiple personalities and it went like this...

"I dated a girl for 3 months and she failed to inform me that she had multiple personalities.. and I found out at the worst time. We were having sex and she was on top of me and said "oh, you must be Emily's boyfriend."

To this I simply say TO MUCH INFORMATION!! Why is it he felt this was an important question? And how is it that guys (the ones I've been meeting) find it necessary to compare and assume your just like every other girl they've ever been involved with?

I'm not ranting so much as sharing yet another funny story in terms of my life. And this isn't the beginning and I'm pretty sure this isn't going to be the end of these....so stay tuned. I'm sure there will be more to come. :)